Once in a lifetime

Sometimes I wonder how I ended up here, in a solitary German village. I like to call it in the middle of nowhere, but so many times I had the feeling like being in the middle of everything.

My first time here in Germany was much harder than expected. I have never felt as lonely as I did when I sat on the airplane, leaving my whole life behind in Norway. Back then I did not know how deep the feeling loneliness can be, and how it can make you appreciate so many things in life you never ever before had reflected on.

I came here with a bag, a backpack and myself. The first days were a big shock to me, no less. They were filled with overwhelming impressions, but at the same time, they were filled with emptiness. I had to make new parts of my life, and it took me a while to find a way. In many matters I am an insecure person, and suddenly I found myself in a situation where I had to call upon self courage, strength and patience. They were hard to find, even though I had hidden them myself.

Loneliness was the first friend I got. The feeling of being lonely was so strong, when I had to cope without my family and friends. Suddenly I could not choose whether being with loneliness or not…it somehow had already chosen me. So I decided to fight it. I started acting like an annoying fly. Months later, able to take off my critical glasses, I saw that I did not act like an annoying fly at all. I was just changing my ways, being more outgoing than ever. Now I know that annoying flies do get friends.

To me loneliness is stupid thoughts. When I first start thinking these thoughts, they are hard to shake off. Sometimes I am pondering so hard, that I am afraid of going crazy. I find it hard to see the whole picture, and not only the things that matter to myself. I am trying to learn how to stop myself before my thoughts are going too far, and I manage it more and more. But without support from good friends I would never be where I am today. I have finally realized that I cannot fix all things by myself.

For the first time in my life, I got the chance to work with mentally disabled human beings. I can now declare that I have never met so honest people before. They show their feelings just as they are. Often they point out my feelings too, which can be really tough for me. I have realized that if I shall be of any help to the individuals I am working with, I have to be honest with myself. It is not a point to hide something anymore. In the end we are all paying for it.

Thanks to this year, I have sorted out many thoughts about the future. I am pretty sure about one thing; I want to continue working with mentally disabled human beings. I have never felt so strongly that I really want to learn more about something. In school I had to learn what the teacher said, no matter if I wanted to or not. And now that I know what I want to do, I do not make any stress about it. There are so many things I want to do, and somehow I am going to make it. I will never forget the feeling that my life is waiting for me. And I have just begun living it.

Before I arrived, I was so naive that I believed I could learn German in approximately two months. I can now say that I am still learning. Therefore it is not a secret that one of the biggest challenges has been the language. Not being able to understand jokes, or tell one myself, has been difficult. I did not like to give the impression of understanding so little, therefore I started pretending understanding. I was listening to the tone people used when they were talking. My answer was always based on if the tone was signalising a question, a story or a joke. I am telling you: this “method” worked to a certain degree in certain situations, but one day it all failed. To be honest, I am not even sure if it ever worked.

«Where in the book are you?» asked the train conductor in German of course. I was reading a German translation of the children´s book “The brothers Lionheart” written by Astrid Lindgren.
Getting so surprised that I did not hear the question, I said «Excuse me?» and hoped I would understand the question when she asked again.
«Where in the book are you?». I realized it was time for my method.
«Oh, I have no idea». Now everyone in the train was looking surprised at me.
«Okay… I am sorry, I thought you were reading the book» said the train conductor and looked weirdly at me.
«OH, I am on page 47». Everyone was now staring at me.
«No, I mean, like where are the brothers? Are they dead or not?». She had apparently read the book herself.
«OOOOH, yes they are in Nangijala now». I was almost screaming and trying to say: Please, please leave me alone. Slowly the people in the train were turning back to their books and music players – and the train conductor was walking away quickly.

After seven months, I am slowly learning to live on my own. I have realized that without milk the cereals do not really make any breakfast. I am still practicing how to boil eggs, but somehow I never manage it. It is hard to accept that I cannot have ice cream for dinner every day. And I am not able to walk out from the grocery store, without buying one, two or three avocados. But at least it is not a problem to eat them before the day is over.

My project is soon going to be over. The first day I was crying because I understood I had to stay here for nine months. Now I cannot understand where time went away. I have learned so much about myself, but somehow it is just the beginning – and I still have a long way to go. The difference for me when I am coming back to Norway, is that I now with my experiences from EVS – can make decisions and take chances I never would do before. I am never going to experience something like EVS again, and my life would never be the same without it.

Whatever you want to do with you life, let one year of it be EVS. No matter where you are in life, it will always be the beginning of something big.