Emotional roller coaster

There are those bad days, when nothing seems right, and you just want to stay in bed and feel sorry for yourself all day long. You watch your favorite series until your eyes start to hurt, because you just want to switch your brain off and stop thinking. You don’t take a shower and you stay in your PJ, because you don’t care enough to get dressed. You are like a misanthrope, locked in your room alone, because you don’t want to have any human contact, you don’t want to speak to anybody at all. But sadly you can’t stay in your room forever and whatever is making you feel bad, you just have to get over it and face the world eventually.

Growing up and being an adult is hard sometimes. You have to make all these decisions about your life and it can get a bit scary. Suddenly you feel like you are afraid of everything. This fear will paralyze you. You will spend days and weeks in your room, wasting your precious time. You will question every decision you made or about to make. And every task, which requires a bit of willpower will seem simply too difficult even to start.

I read a quote yesterday which said, that if you are depressed, you are living in the past; if you are stressed, you are living in the future; and if you are calm you are living in the present. I found this very true at the moment when I was reading it, but then I realized that during just one day, I am feeling all of these emotions. There are moments when I am sad about something which I didn’t accomplished or someone I’ve lost in the past and of course there are moments when I am totally freaking out  about my future, because I don’t have any solid plan. Just some blurry ideas about what will I do with my life next year.

I am turning 25 in a few days, and it scares me. 10 years ago, when I was a naive teenager I had all these pretty pink pictures in my head about how should my life be when I’ll be 25. I imagined the typical cliché Barbie doll house dream: that I will be married and I will have two kids, I will live in beautiful big house with a garden and of course I will be happy with all of this. I didn’t know that there were so many possibilities out there in the big world. Neither did I know that things in life usually never quite work out the way we imagine them. Which is kind of good and bad the same time. It’s good, because life would be so damn boring if we could just plan everything for the years ahead of us.  And it’s bad, because it makes life unpredictable, which is scary sometimes. Everything can change from one day to another. But this is a bit comforting as well, because even the worst day can’t be longer than 24 hours.

So what I am trying to say is that all bad and good things come to an end eventually. Just like EVS. It’s probably the best thing that happened to me so far in my life. So of course it scares me that it will be over soon and I have to face the problems I was trying to escape from last year, when I decided to come to Belgium. I learned a lot about myself and also my head is full of thoughts and ideas which I have to think about. I am sure that at the end I will see the big picture when I manage to put all the pieces of the puzzle in the right place.

Don’t get me wrong, I still want my cliché dream to come true at one point, because I want to get married and have kids. But I realized it’s not that number, which determines what you have to accomplish by this age. I know I still have a long road ahead of me and lots of lesson to learn in life. And I am looking forward to it. I am a bit scared but also excited, because when a door closes another one opens somewhere. I just have to find it.