My FoUrTh ReTrOsPeCtIoN

This month included the most up and downs possible. Things happened I never thought possible. Projects ended for some whereas others remained. It was a month of chaos to be honest.

Again, I should start at the beginning. Although looking back is hurtful, I need to write this down. I promised myself to make an update once a month and I mean it.

The last month ended with a forum in Krzyżowa and after that started my fourth and final month, November. Again, it was a hell of a month, but honestly? Every month was hard however this month was different.

My first week was introduced with one of my coordinators being in Berlin for work and the other one ill so that I had to coordinate one project completely on my own. I mean not completely, of course help was sent but instead of asking my coordinators for advice, I was asked. I tried not to linger on the thought of having to organise this project alone but now I realise how rare this opportunity was.

I learned for sure what it means to be a teacher but on the other hand I never was one as the children saw me as something in between. I interacted with very bright children, far-ahead for their age, in my opinion. And even made small friendships with students I knew I would never see again.

It became indeed my project and as so, saying goodbye was a very emotional part, as always.

The following week was a new turn of events. Not only was this the first project including trips to memorials, but it also was the week of television. My whole life I was suspicious of journalists thought them to only search the point to destroy someone. But although modern journalism definitely includes this kind of thinking I encountered what I would call constructive journalism. Showing for once the bright sight of stuff and the positive.

I never expected that creating a documentary could be so exhausting. The projects with young adults were nothing compared to this. At least one could be oneself. It was a hard and very teaching week. I believe, I now know for sure working in media is not what I want.

Funnily enough this was not why the month was hard. A few of you already heard the story of me and my co-worker. And some of you might have read the word I included above. Because this was indeed my final month.

This is not the right place to share such a story or to drag someone through the muck. And most of you anyway know what happened. So, I won´t, instead I want to talk about my feelings. Because feelings I had many.

I was angry because I thought that I did not deserve this.

I was desperate to not let this be the end.

I was disappointed at my coordinators.

I was anxious of the consequences.

I was depressed at the aspect of returning.

I was sorry for leaving people I loved behind.

I was devastated to finish my project.

I was sad of saying goodbye.

Life is brutal, the priest at my organisation said. And this is definitely true.

However, although all of this happened, and I still do not know how I feel, most of all I am grateful. Because no matter how fucked up all of this was (sorry for my use of words but they were necessary here) I knew I was never alone.

I had you all and this makes me the most grateful person of all.

Without you I would not have overcome this.

You made me strong. You were my armour. You gave me hope every single day.

Life is never easy, but it is easier when you are loved.