Home is where my hope is

More than once we will all have heard the sentence: “Home is where the heart is”. But this heart is one of a picky thing, I have to say. I for instance, never seem to determine its exact location, and most of the times it feels like it’s always somewhere else than where I physically am. The secret I think, is spending enough time in one place until that place has found a spot in your heart. The problem is when your own country and the place where you grew up start to feel foreign.  If I look back at the time I decided to quit my job and do an EVS in Germany, I see clearly how at that time, 4 years later after my Erasmus in Spain, I needed a change like a fruit tree needs its fruits to claim the name. I felt everything around me was suffocating and my spirit was dying, not being able to adapt to the 9 to 5 lifestyle.

I’ve always had a thing for foreign languages and German was on my list for far too long. So I knew all about the stages of the cultural shock already. I even started explaining them to another volunteer who was experiencing nostalgic feelings for her country. But I have to say, that while in Germany, I myself didn’t go through all stages this time, in Spain I didn’t deviate from science’s research. It is hard for me to think about the topic “Foreigner in Europe” without talking about my both experiences in Europe, but I shall try to speak only about Berlin.

When you feel as a foreigner in another place it’s not because you were not born there, you don’t speak the language, you have no idea how society works etc. etc., it’s because that place is completely new to you. But give it a year, and then it will slip under your skin. Just like Berlin did. My biggest desire was to learn the language. But Berlin is so unconventional that you can easily live here for years without getting to know the language and not be really bothered about it. However, I do not plan on describing my experience with the German language (fascinating story, I have to say), but about how it feels when a foreign country becomes to you familiar and your own country becomes foreign. During my first months in Berlin I was just happy, wandering the streets, planning my days so that everyday offered me something exciting. My first impression about the people here was that they have freedom in their eyes. It seemed like each and one of them owned his/her life and was determined to live it the way him/she wanted. No social constraints. No mental borders.

People who are doing a second Bachelor’s degree (completely different from your first study) at the age of 34 are something you won’t find in Romania (or at least I haven’t, but I promise I have point here, so just bear with me). And it’s not (only) because in Romania you don’t get a second chance if your first choice was wrong, but because that will make you failure, in the eyes of your family (a huge disappointment), friends etc. You are even a failure if you don’t finish university in time. By the age of 25, most of the Romanians hold already a Master’s Degree and they are eager to start working (most of them already do during studies, so by the time they finish their studies, they have work experience which is the only thing that gives you a real advantage since employers are not impressed by diplomas anymore. To study something else at 34 still seems crazy to me, but it made me think more about taking my second chance now, with 25. I often thought about starting a new degree in Romania, but if it’s your second study you have to pay for it yourself and there was no way I could afford that and paying for my bills with the salary I had. The schedule wouldn’t have allowed me to attend classes anyway, so that was a dead end for me.  

And so for many years I just felt sorry for myself. That is when I wasn’t angry at myself for falling into the trap of the Romanian cycle (which might be characteristic to other countries as well). I had no idea what I wanted to study after high school, but it didn’t matter. What mattered was that I couldn’t stay home for one year, I would have missed the moment, and embarrassed myself and my parents when faced with the questions: ”so what are you studying/is your girl studying now?”. Foolish! Foolish! Foolish! This is the only word that can use to describe myself from back then. And even tough Spain opened my horizons, I still couldn’t figure out a way to set things right for me and was constantly consumed by this fear of getting trapped, following the course of life was expected of me to follow (study: finish your studies in time, find a job, find a man, get married and spend a lot of money on it, have kids, take out a loan from the bank to buy a flat and pay for it 30 years). Thrilling perspective of life, isn’t it?

 I know my parents rarely agreed with my decisions, but despite my (or my family’s) financial situation I decided that I want to be more, see more, and learn more than what seemed life had to offer me. The opportunities of personal growth an experience like Erasmus and EVS offer are endless. I always fed my mind with books and had at times strange ideas, but I would have never become the person I am now, had I not taken the opportunity to expose my system of thoughts to the unknown. Well, you can imagine how it felt going back home after one year in Berlin. Nothing changed, or at least, not too much. I attended the wedding of a friend who organized the big thing (I will not get into the details about how irrational Romanian weddings are), despite her finding it stupid, just to be “in rand cu lumea”, a Romanian expression which might be reduced to the idea that you do something only because everyone else does it and this allows you the avoid gossip and criticism in your social circle.

There was such a big clash of mentalities whenever I talked to someone, that I felt sad. But stronger that the feeling that I’ve changed so much that I didn’t fit anymore, was mostly my desire to absorb a lot more from what this world. And that made my heart race like crazy. I know freedom is not in the air anywhere on Earth, and people will always be subject to constraints and a constant fight from our side is always required, but Berlin gave me the hope of a new start and the chance to erase the outer line of my mind and draw it bigger and in any colour or shape that I’d like.