Hey Brexit, how is it going?

Our story starts in june 2016, when the English Prime minister James Cameron resigns and a funny referendum shows that the majority of the people in Great Britain are not so happy to be part of the European Union. The responsibility of such a role in such a delicate moment falls entirely on Theresa May, the new leader of the parliament,from the Conservative Party.

From the beginning of her mandate she has been facing many problems, first of all leading her country to Brexit, even if people woke up the day after the referendum realizing that many of the promises made during the Brexit propaganda where nothing more than… how to say… Propaganda!

Just to make another example, the refusal to accept the sorts of the referendum from almost every single region of the United Kingdom,except for England, randomly came up.

But her biggest problem has been finding a deal with the EU, that would have been very complex because it would have meant reviewing every single relation with all the countries that have always been the closest to the british economy… Yes, of course I’m referring to the italian graduate that moved to London to work in McDonald’s or as underpaid dishwashers in some kind of indian or chinese restaurant, but not only! For example, how would they deal with the Borders of Republic of Ireland?

As I was saying Theresa had several problems to find a deal with the rest of Europe, but she had even more problems in her home country, trying to reason with her colleagues, the other MPs: basically they have never accepted any of the Brexit deals. Our pretty woman couldn’t stand not to win an argument and so, after a quick look to the surveys, she thought: “afterall, why not? If we run early elections we could have enough consent to do it my way!”- said and done! The day after the elections she woke up and… Surprise! There was even less consent as before, being basically forced to go  to Bruxelles every few months asking for more time to “think about a solution with her gang”.

We all can understand that’s a pretty stressing situation, so miss Theresa left her role, leaving the “Iron Throne” to the best friend of Donald Trump’s hairdresser: the legendary Boris Johnson, already foreign minister of the United Kingdom.

He was born in the USA (and this is from where his big egocentrism and eccentricism comes from). He spent his youth in Britain, he studied in Oxford where he met the young James Cameron.

By the way our friend Boris will not enter in politics immediately after the graduation (unlike the Italian minister of labour Luigi di Maio did, LoL), he will instead have enough time to be fired from the famous newspaper “Times” for having invented a quote, and to start to work as correspondent journalist in Bruxelles for “Daily Telegraph” of which the average conservative reader doesn’t care too much if what he’s reading is true or not, as long as it confirms all the stereotypes he has against what he already know he doesn’t like (check: EU).

His real career in politics will start in 2001, joining the conservative and unionist party, reaching his first goal in 2008, becoming the major of the city of London for 8 years.

This role will give him enough visibility to join the British Parliament in 2016, where his job as “EU-hater” starts.

From this moment the story will take a funny/depressive fold, if you think about all the gaffe that Boris did: just to name one remember when he accused the european bureaucrats for imposing to the poor, sweet and innocent British population a cynical law for the packaging of kippers, just to discover the day after that it was a 100% pure English blood law for the preservation of fish during the transportation… Another fun fact: do you remember these red Busses driving around London with some writings on the sides saying something like: “We send 350 million Pounds a week to the EU, vote “leave” if you want more money and bla bla bla…”, and all this populistic votebait stuff? Do you remember when the next day to the referendum even our Cameron sweet Cameron said that this news had been just a bit “readapted to a propaganda context”? Well, try to guess who was the hero that went around the British City with these busses? Yes, of course all the workers and the students that needed them, but Boris Johnson as well! Of course there was a big shitstorm in the next period, but it was a perfect example of how a politician can lie just to take some more vote. By the way… At least he doesn’t lie, swearing and kissing a crucifix (Yes Matteo Salvini, I´m referring to you).

Anyway now he's the British premier and he promised that he´ll bring the UK outside of EU before the 31st of october, deal or no deal.

Fortunately Johnson is not dumb, and to solve the problem of the consensus that wasn´t letting miss Theresa doing his job, he thought to an easy, right and democratic solution: closing the House of the Lords, to not give it enough time to send him back to Bruxelles asking for more time.

Boris was pretty sure to go to the European Parliament on the 31st of october 2019 imposing the EU his personal deal (something that probably looked like the list of presents that I used to write to Santa Claus when I was 6). Our dear friend, sadly, didn't realize that Europe makes the rules of the game, surely not him! And do you know who else realized this funny fact? The British opposition that, unlike the Italian one, has the bad habit of being effective.

In fact, just before the chamber dissolution, Boris finds himself beaten and betrayed by 21 of his own best friends that joined the opposition and forced him to ask for more time to manage this comedy that Brexit became. 

This situation is going to drive him crazy: he starts offending all the deputies that “cheated” him, threatening to not bring them to the next elections, asking immediately for early votes to change again the balances in the parliament and to have a majority of people sustaining his “No deal Plan”, disadvantageous for the rest of Europe and disastrous for the UK. Luckily this offer will be gently reclined from everybody: also the the conservative minister of labour will resign, not accepting the fact that Johnson was focusing more on a No Deal Brexit than on an alternative solution.

But the Icing on this shit-flavoured cake is the submission of Jo Johnson, Boris' brother and minister of education: as he tweeted on the 5th of september:

"It’s been an honour to represent Orpington for 9 years & to serve as a minister under three PMs. In recent weeks I’ve been torn between family loyalty and the national interest - it’s an unresolvable tension & time for others to take on my roles as MP & Minister.”

So… by now we understood that Brexit is a real mess, dividing people more than Jack The Ripper: anyway after the referendum there is nothing more to do; they were looking for troubles and they found them. They´re coming back crying like pupils, and we´re too kind to refuse their request to re-join us like children at the playground after a fight, maybe also imposing them Euro instead of Pounds (something like a little revenge just to make me happy)... Ok, we´re not going to impose anything, but it would be funny. 

There is just one more topic to discuss about: I challenge you to remember what do Scottish people think about English population: more than once they have threatened their secession from the United Kingdom, and after 2016 surveys have shown that in Scotland there are more EU sustainers than haters. As everybody can imagine this is another topic on which Scottish and English workers can kindly and educately discuss about in a pub, drinking beer and watching a rugby match.

Just imagine for one moment what would happen if really Scotland separated from the UK in order to remain in Europe: that would be the definitive falling of what in my imaginary world has always been “the Great British Empire”.

As a very last thought I will hide my Europeist soul, darker today than ever because conscious that we´re very far from my dream of a federal europe, capable to resist to another crisis like the one of 2008, able to compete to the growing economy of Russia and China, and united in solving common problems, like the influx of immigrants that some nations like Italy, Spain, Greece or Portugal have to deal with everyday…

By the way… Anyway… whatever you could think about me… I would enjoy to see an entire nation sinking in his own shit, with us laughing at it and shouting: “You had been warned!!!”

Antonio Stocchi, 29-10-2019

SOURCES:

Chi e´ Boris Johnson? - IL SOLE 24 ORE, Italian Newspaper

Telegraph forced to correct false Brexit claim by Boris Johnson-THE GUARDIAN

https://www.theguardian.com/politics/2019/apr/12/daily-telegraph-forced-correct-false-brexit-claim-boris-johnson

Kipper rules Boris Johnson blamed on EU are actually British, says Brussels-THE GUARDIAN https://www.theguardian.com/politics/2019/jul/18/boris-johnson-claims-about-kippers-fishy-brussels-says

Boris battuto due volte-IL CORRIERE DELLA SERA, Italian Newspaper

https://www.corriere.it/esteri/19_settembre_05/brexit-johnson-sconfitto-due-volte-uscita-rinviata-con-l-ok-camera-lord-no-voto-anticipato-d6a4518c-cf9b-11e9-b1b2-ea5000c0ac17.shtml